Jealousy.

Jealousy... I have never understood exactly why people become jealous in some situations. I understand sometimes it is a sweet thing and shows you care or someone else cares about you. But as a once very trusting person I was never jealous of my friend or boyfriend talking or having friends outside of me and my group of friends. Until i got hurt once and then again and then as I learned to trust again i got hurt again. But what I do not understand is someone throwing a full blown tantrum over myself and my closest friend going out to have a "girl's day" or no boys allowed day.

When someone in a relationship or an ended relationship is jealous of someones friend it becomes a problem when this person blows up both parties phones and won't stop until we have to leave dinner to go get said person or I am forced to bring my friend home because he will not stop! They are soon to be divorced, I pray. And even separated if we go out he will not give us peace, even once going so far as to finding us just to yell at my friend in a public place and when i turn to defend my friend he curses me out.

This kind of jealousy is a bad form and tricky to control it is why i feel this person has no friends, as much as he says "I don't care" or "whatever" it hurts him to know this problem and this neediness causes him to chase away all his friends and his soon to be ex wife's friends, I tolerate him for her because of the situation she is forced to tolerate him in return and I know my friend has dealt with a lot of things for me. This persons neediness runs into the lines of stalkerish and the second he is rejected he will text and call and text and call until you respond. I have no returned a text or a Battle.net tell and he is now currently calling me because I won't get on World of Warcraft for him. This is the line that should't never be crossed. An hour ago he was attacking me for taking my friend out and not inviting him to go out with us.

Jealousy is a trick emotion and when paired with neediness and possible Boarderline Personality disorder it is disastrous.

I'm not saying I've never been jealous, I have, but there have been times where I have in past relationships tried to hide it and seem like the "cool unjealous girlfriend" and that did not end well and now I know if I had shown that some of the things that happened made me jealous or uncomfortable maybe things would not have ended as badly or maybe not at all. I know now to speak my mind and tell people when i feel taken advantage or even jealous or a situation or a growing friendship and sometimes its just my own paranoia over losing friends so often or being used so much. My track record with friends has never been good I have always been too trusting and too willing to please and so most of the time people try to use that to get things from me. But now I know I have one true friend that i can trust and tell when i feel jealous of something or even used...

But I have never crossed the line into that creepy stalker area.

*Kira*

My life and math teacher's.

Ok, so this is going to be a bit of a rant. Here it goes.

 Ever since I was a kid I've hated math, to me it's like a form of mental abuse on my brain. I don't get it and I never will, my mother always told me I'll need it because I'll never be carrying a calculator around with me. Well guess what mom!? My phone and my kindle both have advanced scientific calculators on them!

My hate for math is probably due to my numeric dyslexia. But it's also due to the fact that every math teacher I get is either really old or impossible to understand, or both! And when I try to explain to the professor that I do not understand because my brain is flipping number or reversing them or even showing them to me upside down! They just don't seem to understand and some refuse to explain to me the work a second time. My only hope is to go get outside help.

Examples I have proof! My statistics professor: he rambles endlessly and when I asked him to 're explain one thing I think I threw him off his lecture. And it's not just me other students and had the same issue. I wonder why there are no young enthusiastic math professors? Maybe it's math? It kills all hope...

Forgiveness

Forgiveness. That was the word that ran through my head when I woke up this morning. I think it has to do with someone I know who is a bad person, a very bad person. And after a while I realized what this person was and would never change no matter how many times I forgave them. The unfortunate this is this person is connected to my closest friend due to some circumstances that cannot be currently changes. So this leaves my friend, my sister, stuck dealing with this terrible person until those circumstances are changed.

This brings me back to Forgiveness. How much is too much? This person is the kind that will be all nice and kind to you but then take little shots at you when they feel you are too high and happy. If you game with this person they insist they are better than you even when proof says you are better or others are better. Their way or no way. If they do not get their way the world ends. And this is why I do not want to talk to this person but I know I probably should to help my friend deal with it all.

I pity them, I truly do. And I know I should not because this person was never there for me when I was alone and cold and needed help. No this person was there talking behind my back to everyone  else and talking behind everyone else back to anyone who would listen. Soon all this persons friends gave up hope that there would be a huge change and walked away. One by one they blocked him VIA phone or skype and facebook. Eventually, and I was one of the last (my threshold for forgiveness is rather high), I cut this person out because I could not watch this person use my closest friend as a punching bag and out right told me that it was enjoyable to see her cry.

This brings me back to the beginning, Forgiveness. when is it too much? I know from experience that forgiveness is something that is only deserving when both parties, the one that was wronged and the wrong doer, both admit it was stupid and it is time to get over it. Personally my closest friend and I had a huge fight a year ago and didn't talk for a full year, but eventually we both admitted that we acted like children and it was time to let go of the past, and now we couldn't be closer. But with this person, people have forgiven and forgiven what is done, what is said, and it keeps happening. Even in highschool no one wanted to talk to this person. So I know I have done my part. I have tried and tried but part of my wants to forgive one more time just to see if maybe there was a change this one time. But it will kill me, I cannot handle the stress. This person when this happens, and yes it has happened before, it is everyones fault they don't want to talk or ignore this person. There is no blame, I was personally blamed for what caused the circumstances between my friend and this person. This person took actual pride in splitting me and my boyfriend of two years up  said it was all this persons doing because I deserved to be alone, even though now that is turning out to be a good thing and I've never been happier in my life now.

As a psychology major I try to understand I try to forgive but I feel sorry for this person. So very sorry, and I want to forgive. I have been shown forgiveness in the past when I have messed up and done something stupid or said something mean... But the difference is, I learned from what I did to hurt whomever I hurt and never did it again. This person will do it again and again and get mad when people don't like it. I might have to forgive this time again... For my friend, my sister, she should not be alone in this.


*~* Kira

Welcome to adulthood, I have debt!

About four months ago my old laptop caught on fire and was completely destroyed, I made the decision to get a new one. But I really couldn't afford one  out of pocket so I began looking into getting a credit card. This didn't work out to well because at 25 years old my only credit history was as follows: nothing, nothing, nothing, $2700 hospital bill, inability to pay said bill, collection agency, filing for inability to pay... so needless to say I got laughed out of any credit card company I went to.

After two months of rejection and my chances of getting a card and new computer were not looking very well. Until my closest friend offered to add me to her best buy card and have me buy a ps vita I wanted then just pay her back. I was apprehensive about it because normally friends and money are a bad mix... After about a week I decided that I trusted her and she trusted me and has always been there to help me, I took her up on the offer. She then added me to her card and I got my vita. While I'm still paying off the vita, those things are unnecessarily expensive.

Last month she paid off the card in full and told me to try for a best buy card, so last week I did and I got approved for a card! I was so happy, my first credit card and my first step into moving out of my mother's house... I tried to move out a month ago but all the apartments needed a credit history that wasn't complete garbage. Now to spend it...

Last Saturday I went to best buy with my friend and picked out a really nice laptop and had several micro panic attacks over spending 689$ In one shot. My friend pointed out that when I'm nervous I don't shut up, it's true I know it. And she loves me enough to poke me on the side and whisper shut up in my ear. So now I have ordered my new computer which will play world of Warcraft and other games on decent graphics, according to best buy it will be in tomorrow.

So now I welcome myself into adulthood, the second step, I have credit card debt! I don't know why I'm so excited about this being stacked on all my other bills... But I am.


*~*Kira

Today's world and common sense

The older I get the more I realize I need to thank my mother for teaching me common sense, without it I'd either be dead or a complete lost cause. Almost everyday is a lesson that I should be thanking her every day. 

 Last Friday's lesson was exceptionally strange. It started like any other Friday night at work. Until two teenagers came into the store with a large cardboard box, a wet cardboard box... that stunk, like death. The one carrying the box came up to the counter and plopped this wet stinking box down with an audible "squish". 

The teen then asks me if I know anyone who wanted to buy something box of fish. I look into the box of now what I know is most likely weeks old dead fish bodies to find exactly that. I back away from the box of rancid fish and tell the kids to get it out of the store because it is obviously rotting and is stinking up the store, bad for business. The kid asks if I'll buy it for a penny... Now I'm a little curious about where these kids found this box if fishy death, so stupid me asks where they got it. The kid responded happily that they found it on the street and thought they could get some money off selling it for a movie. 

I tell them no several more times acc eventually they leave with the box of deadly fish. And I go about my night attempting to purge the stench of rancid fish out of the store. About an hour later a customer comes in and tells me there is a box of fish right outside the door... Yupp! They left the box of fish right outside, can't say I wasn't surprised.  So I managed to bag it up and throw it in the dumpster out back. 

That night got me thinking about common sense and common decency and a sense of right and wrong. 

Who is teaching these kids that it is ok to leave a box of rotten fish out side a store? Who is teaching them to see a box if rotten fish I the side of the road and think "Oh hey I can sell this!"  What about reasoning skills you know? If it smells bad it's not good to eat. Did no one teach these kids this? I was no saint when I was a teenager but the most evil thing I'll admit to doing at that age was going into stop and shop and going to the self check out acc selecting Spanish ad pushing the numbers 123 several hundred times then running away giggling like an idiot. 

The problem with this world now is people are too involved in their lives and don't care or See how it changes and effects those around them. We all live in our own little world with not a care to how our actions change those around us. We love items that are made to be used and we use people like objects instead of loving them. 

*~* Kira

Pardon any spelling and grammatical errors I use a kindle.